It happens every December. You think you’ll be getting an engagement ring, but no, not this year. Instead your boyfriend dumps you just before Christmas. Again! You know you can’t go home fiancé-free. You have no choice. So you stop in at the corner café, grab the first stranger who looks, if not employed, at least employable, and convince him to be your fake boyfriend for the holidays.
On the long drive out to the suburbs, you discover you both patronize the same artisanal cheese shop and you share a disdain for reality golf shows. He seems promising! But midway through the first luncheon at your parents’ farmhouse table, he insults your sister’s famous green bean casserole, breaks the 200-year old Christmas ornament that inspired a minor Whitman poem, and embarks on a forty-five minute monologue about overland irrigation in Portugal in the 1500s during which he expresses some peculiarly offensive ideas about Early Renaissance aqueduct construction. It’s not even Christmas Eve yet, and the whole holiday is ruined.
There’s a better way. Let me be the man of your dreams!
I’m a trained actor, an award-winning drag king, and a co-founder of the Institute for the Calibration of Reality. More importantly, my Sun is in Sagittarius while my Jupiter is in its domicile in Pisces.
I will be your Fake Boyfriend this festive season. You can design the perfect man (me) to attend up to 5 hours of your family, friend, and workplace holiday events (as long as they take place online). Maybe you’re looking for a middle-aged professional croquet referee named Rufus who loves wine tasting, the zoo, and live-blogging Melbourne city council meetings. Or perhaps you want a wunderkind ad exec with a sexy French accent who can impress your parents with post-structuralist critiques of Eastern European decorative napkin-folding. This year, you really can get everything you want for Christmas.
Choose from three Fake Boyfriend Packages!
- Rom Com Classic: It’s a classic for a reason. We’ll have all kinds of funny mix-ups and jolly confusion because half the time I won’t even remember my own (fake) name! I’ll completely forget what gingerbread is, and you’ll swoon when I demonstrate my mediocre piano skills while singing White Christmas. We’ll leave out key details of our backstory and need to improvise. When your mother asks what I do for a living, you can say “architect” while I say “florist,” and then when your parents look hopelessly confused, you can say “he’s a floral architect!” while I say “I make small buildings out of snapdragons.” Or when your neighbor asks how we met, you’ll say “On a Caribbean cruise,” I’ll say “At the orthodontist,” and we’ll follow up with “It was a cruise with a lot of amenities!”
- Rom Com with a Twist: I’ll flirt with your sister, try to steal from your mother’s bank account, spend most of my time tweeting snarky comments about your family’s Christmas dinner, and generally be the worst boyfriend ever. I’ll put your present in a jewelry-sized box to get your parents’ hopes up, and when you open it you’ll find a Joni Mitchell CD. On Christmas Day I’ll announce that I got a big promotion, I’m moving across the country, and I’m breaking up with you. Just in time for you to get back together with your ex!
- Identity Switch: We’ll spice up the Rom Com Classic package with a double identity swap! I’ll be a prince who has switched places with a lookalike commoner so I can see how “real people” live, and you, believing me to be an unaccomplished sous-chef, will hire me to impersonate your fiancé. Halfway through our time together, I will reveal myself to be the Prince of San Liechtenbourg and your family will be thrilled they’re spending holidays with royalty!
Cost: $1495 USD plus expenses (e.g., heirloom emerald engagement ring, Christmas horse rental, hors d’oeuvre tray)
Christmas Eve and Christmas Day will sell out quickly, so book your free Discovery Call to find out how to make the most of my Fake Boyfriend service!
That’s not all!
Need help with your holiday shopping? The Institute for the Calibration of Reality has gifts you won’t find anywhere else! Use coupon code DAYDREAM2020 for 20.20% off.
- Is your best friend dull of wit and in need of a bon mot or catchphrase? Purchase a Bespoke Aphorism!
- Does your dog walker hope the snow holds off another few days? Try Custom Weather!
- Dreading a boring day in traffic court? Treat yourself to a non-redeemable gift certificate for legal services from Matlock, McBeal and McCoy, the only law firm staffed entirely by celebrity lookalikes of fictional television lawyers.
Image credits: Paintings made by me, shamefully copied from images found on museumartpaintings.com (artist unknown), Etsy (artist NatureAndArt), and Pinterest (artist Kim Smith).